你眼中的我

什么时候开始，和你的见面变成了不期而遇的模式。在街道上熙来攘往的人群里，偶然瞥见正在步行中的你，我竟然可以自然地迎面向你打声招呼，完全违反了练习时避开你的情节。

一阵客套得不行的寒暄问候之余，含糊之间在你的瞳孔里看见了自己。

Looking through your pupils, I saw my image inside.

I realised it was purely an image reflected by me myself who was standing right in front of you, rather than an image reflected from deep inside your heart.

Nothing more than that.

我变了，你呢？我不知道，也没有多余的好奇心去知道。

你似乎不认同我的改变，你觉得那只是一种伪装。你错了，我并没有伪装，只是在你的面前，我把我的改变放大了，以致你或许无法适应。对于这一点，我实在应该说声抱歉。

你开始翻开过去，说我以前是如此这般。我尴尬地傻笑，并且驳回了大部分你所叙述的我，再藉机假装局部失忆一番。老实说，你有什么资格以过去熟悉的我来收买现在的我？我坚决地反对你记忆中的那个我，因为你从来不了解我，你所熟悉的只是你自以为是凭空捏造出来的我。而对于这一点，我并没有一丝怜悯你的感觉，所以请恕我在否定你的言论之余懒得纠正你的愚昧。

或许你终于发现自己的无知，无法再用以前的我来证明我们曾经相识过。你的表情显得有点错愕，连基本的应酬功能也丧失了，没有用任何话语来接壤接下来的一段空白。说真的，我很满意你这种表情，因为木讷的你总是在情感表达这一环考不及格，至少从你现在的眼神我可以解读到一定程度的惊讶和失措。对于你的进步我真的感到十分欣慰，毕竟我也贡献不少。你不用担心我会向你邀功，因为我完全不希望我们之间存有任何情感债务。其实你对我不需要那么拘谨，因为我绝对会体贴地为你准备下台阶，基于我们都还是朋友。对于这一点，我当然不敢奢求你的感激。

一袭微风吹进了我的心坎里，轻轻掠过心上的疤痕，不痛了。其实根本不需要彩排，因为不期而遇的意外还是需要靠应变能力来化解，而且也印证了我在这方面的成绩确实比预想中还要标青。在街道上熙来攘往的人群里，我把你淹没在路人之中，不让自己认出你的背影。

A change, maybe?

You might have visited my blogs recently and accidentally found out that I started to write in English other than Mandarin. Yea it just happened that I discovered I can sometime express better in other language, well you know we are Malaysian who are born to be multi-linguistic, so we have to treasure and fully utilise our natural instinct, gotcha?

Anyway you need not worry that I might one day realise that my facial muscles can express even better and decided to post some videos to this blog, because that will never be possible. Erm, just to leave some space to any unforeseen future, I would say, this will almost never be possible, you know, ALMOST never. Clear enough?

Getting 25th today, my birthday wish: to bring positive charges to my surrounding! give me five and let's do it together OK?

Transformation from white coat to white collar

20^th of September, the darkest day in 2012 that I shall never forget, the most vital trigger point to plug in an element of change in my life, the most fatal mistake I’d ever make, and never shall I make again in the future.  I have to confess that I can never figure out what a doctor’s career path will be when I first came through the 8 blank spaces in my application form for university 6 years ago. What is my ambition? To be a doctor sounds not bad, indeed quite attractive and gorgeous by impression. Yea I’m pretty impressed by a doctor’s duty when I was young, attributable to my immune system’s immaturity that could not fight through some Streptococcus family who visited my body almost monthly during my childhood. I decided that I should seriously consider about taking this duty to treat others like how the doctor has treated me, to wipe off those unwelcomed species from someone else’s body. Of course, I’m still naïve to have a detail picture about a doctor’s duty, other than those over-simplified version being illustrated by a general practitioner, damn I’m being cheated, anyway indirectly. Of course my ambition is not limited to this profession per se, I once wished that I can be a journalist, a broadcasting personnel and some awesome nothing-to-care-of backpackers, ok I know the last one is strictly-speaking not an ambition, a dream maybe.

I can never expect myself to carry such a heavy responsibility, of saving lives and curing those terminally-ill. Working in a hospital is what I can hardly bear with, dealing with emergency situation is definitely out of my capability, and I’m not ready to withstand an adrenaline surge in my body which will happen at anytime, such an adventurous and exciting event, not of my flavour. The depressing truth is, I can only realise and reveal all these facts when I’m in the position of a houseman, be it too late or not.

I always believe that everything happens for a reason, no matter we are aware of it or not. I made a huge mistake, causing chaos in my team for a moment, I guess my specialist had asystole for seconds as well. Good news is, no casualty resulted other than loss of one houseman from the hospital, well who cares? I would said, out of my expectation, many. Some of my colleagues responded in various ways which really touch me, my friends had wasted their saliva keep persuading me to continue on the “right path”, for me, probably right and absolutely bright but certainly not a suitable path of mine. My superior dated me for a drink and advised me. My family brought me to temples and even a psychiatrist who recommended me to join under her Amway sales line, such hilarious transferring period that I’ve gone through for months, before my life stabilises once again.

In a flash of light, it’s been one year since the trigger event occurred, and more than half year since my career transformation from a white-coater to a white collar. I’m not sure whether everyone has adapted to my new identity but it is surely not my duty to ensure that everyone accepts my fresh career role. I had overestimated myself 6 years ago, do allow me to make a turn and I shall perform better thereafter. One thing to be sure of, I’m much comfortable now and my adrenaline level is welled maintained. Cheers everyone! J