The element of Care

It was a lovely Sunday morning like today last week, when I was lying comfortably on the sofa at living room, playing with my ipad as usual.

My housemate Y, a 19-year-old teenage girl was sitting on the dining table not far away, together with L, a young boy around her age group, studying together. From my observation, Y is academically more competent than L. Their examination must be just around the corner, as Y is patiently guiding L in his studies, explaining to him whenever he did not understand. They accompany each other to prepare for the test, with the same goal at the same direction. They are not couples, but I see element of care between them. How lovely could the Sunday be with this warm scenery? :p

It was a lovely Sunday morning like today last week, when I was lying comfortably on the sofa at living room, playing with my ipad as usual.

I’m chatting with a colleague of mine in facebook, a 28-year-old lady S, who out of sudden appeared to be anxious in the middle of our conversation. S has a housemate K, a guy similar to her age as well, staying together under one roof. K had been dating his girlfriend the night before, but did not make his way home at night, which is slightly unusual according to S. She is worried, she whatsapp him trying to confirm that he is safe and sound, but he did not reply. I suggested her to call him instead, but she thought this was not a good idea as he might not have wake up yet at that moment. She finally called him later, but the effort was unluckily in vain, he did not pick up her call. It was not long afterwards that S told me K finally responded to her, saying that his phone was out of battery. They are not couples, but I see element of concern between them. How lovely could the Sunday be with this touching scenario?

Appreciate the people who care for you, and the people you concern for. They come into your life for a reason, to be taken care by you, and to care for you as well.

你眼中的我

什么时候开始，和你的见面变成了不期而遇的模式。在街道上熙来攘往的人群里，偶然瞥见正在步行中的你，我竟然可以自然地迎面向你打声招呼，完全违反了练习时避开你的情节。

一阵客套得不行的寒暄问候之余，含糊之间在你的瞳孔里看见了自己。

Looking through your pupils, I saw my image inside.

I realised it was purely an image reflected by me myself who was standing right in front of you, rather than an image reflected from deep inside your heart.

Nothing more than that.

我变了，你呢？我不知道，也没有多余的好奇心去知道。

你似乎不认同我的改变，你觉得那只是一种伪装。你错了，我并没有伪装，只是在你的面前，我把我的改变放大了，以致你或许无法适应。对于这一点，我实在应该说声抱歉。

你开始翻开过去，说我以前是如此这般。我尴尬地傻笑，并且驳回了大部分你所叙述的我，再藉机假装局部失忆一番。老实说，你有什么资格以过去熟悉的我来收买现在的我？我坚决地反对你记忆中的那个我，因为你从来不了解我，你所熟悉的只是你自以为是凭空捏造出来的我。而对于这一点，我并没有一丝怜悯你的感觉，所以请恕我在否定你的言论之余懒得纠正你的愚昧。

或许你终于发现自己的无知，无法再用以前的我来证明我们曾经相识过。你的表情显得有点错愕，连基本的应酬功能也丧失了，没有用任何话语来接壤接下来的一段空白。说真的，我很满意你这种表情，因为木讷的你总是在情感表达这一环考不及格，至少从你现在的眼神我可以解读到一定程度的惊讶和失措。对于你的进步我真的感到十分欣慰，毕竟我也贡献不少。你不用担心我会向你邀功，因为我完全不希望我们之间存有任何情感债务。其实你对我不需要那么拘谨，因为我绝对会体贴地为你准备下台阶，基于我们都还是朋友。对于这一点，我当然不敢奢求你的感激。

一袭微风吹进了我的心坎里，轻轻掠过心上的疤痕，不痛了。其实根本不需要彩排，因为不期而遇的意外还是需要靠应变能力来化解，而且也印证了我在这方面的成绩确实比预想中还要标青。在街道上熙来攘往的人群里，我把你淹没在路人之中，不让自己认出你的背影。

A change, maybe?

You might have visited my blogs recently and accidentally found out that I started to write in English other than Mandarin. Yea it just happened that I discovered I can sometime express better in other language, well you know we are Malaysian who are born to be multi-linguistic, so we have to treasure and fully utilise our natural instinct, gotcha?

Anyway you need not worry that I might one day realise that my facial muscles can express even better and decided to post some videos to this blog, because that will never be possible. Erm, just to leave some space to any unforeseen future, I would say, this will almost never be possible, you know, ALMOST never. Clear enough?

Getting 25th today, my birthday wish: to bring positive charges to my surrounding! give me five and let's do it together OK?

Transformation from white coat to white collar

20^th of September, the darkest day in 2012 that I shall never forget, the most vital trigger point to plug in an element of change in my life, the most fatal mistake I’d ever make, and never shall I make again in the future.  I have to confess that I can never figure out what a doctor’s career path will be when I first came through the 8 blank spaces in my application form for university 6 years ago. What is my ambition? To be a doctor sounds not bad, indeed quite attractive and gorgeous by impression. Yea I’m pretty impressed by a doctor’s duty when I was young, attributable to my immune system’s immaturity that could not fight through some Streptococcus family who visited my body almost monthly during my childhood. I decided that I should seriously consider about taking this duty to treat others like how the doctor has treated me, to wipe off those unwelcomed species from someone else’s body. Of course, I’m still naïve to have a detail picture about a doctor’s duty, other than those over-simplified version being illustrated by a general practitioner, damn I’m being cheated, anyway indirectly. Of course my ambition is not limited to this profession per se, I once wished that I can be a journalist, a broadcasting personnel and some awesome nothing-to-care-of backpackers, ok I know the last one is strictly-speaking not an ambition, a dream maybe.

I can never expect myself to carry such a heavy responsibility, of saving lives and curing those terminally-ill. Working in a hospital is what I can hardly bear with, dealing with emergency situation is definitely out of my capability, and I’m not ready to withstand an adrenaline surge in my body which will happen at anytime, such an adventurous and exciting event, not of my flavour. The depressing truth is, I can only realise and reveal all these facts when I’m in the position of a houseman, be it too late or not.

I always believe that everything happens for a reason, no matter we are aware of it or not. I made a huge mistake, causing chaos in my team for a moment, I guess my specialist had asystole for seconds as well. Good news is, no casualty resulted other than loss of one houseman from the hospital, well who cares? I would said, out of my expectation, many. Some of my colleagues responded in various ways which really touch me, my friends had wasted their saliva keep persuading me to continue on the “right path”, for me, probably right and absolutely bright but certainly not a suitable path of mine. My superior dated me for a drink and advised me. My family brought me to temples and even a psychiatrist who recommended me to join under her Amway sales line, such hilarious transferring period that I’ve gone through for months, before my life stabilises once again.

In a flash of light, it’s been one year since the trigger event occurred, and more than half year since my career transformation from a white-coater to a white collar. I’m not sure whether everyone has adapted to my new identity but it is surely not my duty to ensure that everyone accepts my fresh career role. I had overestimated myself 6 years ago, do allow me to make a turn and I shall perform better thereafter. One thing to be sure of, I’m much comfortable now and my adrenaline level is welled maintained. Cheers everyone! J

理想人生

如果我有闲暇时间，我想要……

躲在一个属于自己的房间里，房间里要有不错的音响设备，音响要播放林宥嘉或者韦礼安的歌，音量要让我的思绪、心海、灵魂都听得到，享受旋律的起伏，跟着节奏跳动，然后在空调不会太冷的环境下舒服地睡一觉。

走在沿海的沙滩上，沙滩不要有太多游客，不要有人在推销水上运动，要有几个中学生在静静的谈论各自的梦想，要有几个小孩子在不停地炫耀自己天真无邪的笑容。然后我要望向海面上，不要有对岸的高楼耸立，要有海天连成一线的空旷，最好在线的上面还残留着半个夕阳。

闲逛某个面积不小的购物商场，买几件衣裤，吃一片香气润口的baked cheese cake，看一部素质好的电影，在露天的咖啡店喝一杯巧克力，然后去KTV唱几首歌，最好还可以看到一群年轻人在广场旁边的空地来一场即兴的街舞flash mob。

坐在山顶的某张凳子上，看着山下不要太过浓稠的城市夜景，还有夜空无数的繁星。城市的光害不可以霸占星空领域，城市夜景的版图不可以扩张到沿海地带，我就静静的坐在那里，看着万家灯火慢慢地消退，看着黎明悄悄地掀开天空的鱼肚白。

站在早晨的槟城街道上，没有车子在街上流窜提醒我那是个周末的早晨，几个二十出头的年轻人踩着脚车背着背包拿着地图挂着相机正在寻找适合的取景地点拍摄一系列属于他们的共同回忆。

躺在整片苹果青色的草坪上，看着浅蓝色的天空，不要有猛烈的阳光刺痛，不要有乌云打扰，最好有徐徐微风把附近的树叶吹得摇晃，吹散我身体的每一寸沉重，让我轻逸飘浮得很遥远、很遥远……

参与某个好朋友的生日聚会，参与的人数不要太多，大家小声讲大声笑，吃完一餐再吃下一餐，然后讨论下下一餐要去哪里，然后玩一盘心机重的card games，来证明我们的友谊是多么经得起考验。

2012回忆录

终于来到了除夕。虽然2013年已经过了一个多月，希望在龙年还没有结束之前回顾一下去年的点滴。

3月天，应考期，很得过且过地完成了终极战役，也没有抱着太大期望。虽然考得很烂，还是侥幸过关了。幸运之神绝对是对我疼爱有加的，一向来都是如此。

3月31日，结束学生生涯，为18年的读书生活画上句点，终于要开始在现实的社会中立足，养活自己。

4月10日，梦想起飞！台湾的自助毕业旅行，谢谢你们和我一同镶嵌两个星期的美好回忆，真的很开心可以登陆台湾这一片土地，更重要的当然是在你们的陪伴之下。这一段旅途的策划曾经闹得很不愉快，让我很心痛。只是在事情告一段落之后，觉得也应该为大学生涯铸造纪念，也顺便在大家都还能配合的这个假期里完成梦想，才顺利地达成了完美结局。希望我们还有机会一起再来一次，梦想再次起飞！

5月9日，新同伴MyVi诞生，开始成为背债一族，而且车牌号码没有开万能Toto。囧~

7月2日，报到槟城中央医院！那是一个充满疑惑的开始。疑惑的是，我真的能胜任这份工作吗？我真的适合这样的岗位吗？我真的可以背负重大的使命感吗？然后继续疑惑地工作……

9月20日，犯错了，没有责备声浪，没有惩罚伺候，接收了众多安慰和鼓励，只是一颗愧疚的心已经衍生，唤醒了我的灵魂，陷入沉重的思考。第一次有勇气向朋友和家人提起辞职的可能性，开始铺陈离开的心理准备。

9月21日，二十四岁生日快乐！谢谢你陪我度过生日，还有四个月披着白袍的日子。那天的我，沉闷的心情，在Straits Quay 的Delicious和你吃了80块的晚餐，而且还买了3片不同口味的自制蛋糕，结果吃不完……其实我很喜欢去Straits Quay是因为那边适合散步，靠海又没有交通污染，也算是人烟比较稀少，环境比较静谧。只是日后应该没有什么机会再去了。只想告诉你：有你在，感觉真好！未来一起加油吧！

10月21日，骊歌奏起，正式接过大学毕业证书，戴那顶有一点丑的四方帽，还有很抢眼的红色毕业袍。这也是难得可以见到分布各地的coursemate们，最后一次有100%出席率的场合了。祝大家在未来都有美好的发展，前程似锦，最重要是每天活得开心就好！

11月16日，提上辞呈，告别中央医院，告别人们看到的荣耀和名誉，告别我自身的挣扎和压抑，开始了我尚未拟定的未来。在儿科实习的四个月让我非常珍惜这段经历，也很感谢一起工作的同事和上司们，你们都很棒！我会想念你们的！

没有传言中的末日，2012年还是结束了，等着迎向比以往更充满未知数的2013。一向以来我的路线都被规划得非常完美，不需要我去计划些什么，只要时间到了，就回大学上课；只要邮差送信来了，就去报到上班。

2013年2月，第二人生要开跑了！没有枪声来催促我开跑，也没有竞跑速度的压力，只是需要跟着自己的步伐节奏来生活。起跑地点在那个曾经熟悉的陌生城市里，城市风貌依旧，人面却已非。离开读书生活整整十个月的日子了，还没有在现实社会中找到定点，希望往后的日子可以更踏实，也不用再愧对自己。

农历蛇年到来之际，希望接下来的一年大家都可以顺顺利利，不停创造生命中的奇迹，留给未来一个美好回忆！

低潮期

2012年即将结束，在短短的一年里，让我经历了二十四年来的高峰时期，还有最低潮。

在心情还没有完全回到地平线之前，还不能以一个正常的我来写一篇回忆录。

距离上一次更新，已经是一年前了。等过了些日子，稳定下来之后，再启动第三次的重新出发！第三次的部落格重新出发，也将是我第二人生的起点……卸下了沉重的包袱，放下了心中的大石，一切重头开始吧。

希望今年的圣诞依然璀璨，依然在欢笑声中度过。

重新振作吧，小虫！

糊涂的我

呆在安顺这个地方，没得上网还真是郁闷……为了解除我的郁闷，我决定走路到半小时路程外的麦记，上网吃午餐。

收拾好书包后，我就浩浩荡荡地出发了……（从小学毕业后就没用过这句成语，哈哈！大家别误会，我不是要去野餐~囧）半小时路程对我来说虽然是鸡毛蒜皮的小事一桩，可是背着沉重的书包，还真是折磨……

走了五分钟，发觉有点不对劲~

惨~忘了带钱包！！妈呀，又要走回去拿吗……没办法，没钱不能买东西吃，只好转身往回走。

然后，我头上的灯泡亮了起来！没关系，去到麦记再提款不就行了？顿时暗自庆幸自己只往回走了几步，于是又转过身，往麦记的方向走去……

然后，我头上的灯泡又灭了！因为我想起，钱包不只用来装钱，还有登记，驾照，以及……提款卡！！！

然后，我心里一直在骂自己，怎么那么笨，那么那么的笨！我甚至萌生跳水沟自尽的想法！无奈附近找不到水沟，只好悻悻然作罢……

然后，我又只好向后转，往宿舍方向走去……如果当时有人注意到我，一定觉得我是白痴……“怎么这个人又走前又回头的……”

为了不让糊涂的自己因感慨糊涂而患上忧郁症，等下我一定要吃一餐饱的……

半个小时的时间，终于走到麦记了。点了一份新上架的 classic chicken mcDeluxe，吃了之后觉得没什么特别的。然后，就在有空调的这里，为自己的糊涂作一篇记录……